Dear Fandom
by bluetoothpaste
Summary: The kids have discovered this little fandom, and want to know a little bit about it. Reversal of the common "ask the characters" type of story.
1. Chapter 1

**Dear Fandom: A Reversed Version of "Ask-The-Characters"**

**The five main characters (Simon, Piggy, Ralph, Jack, and Roger) discover the small LotF fandom, and they have a few questions for it.**

**Note: I had some trouble with the title and the editing and stuff; please bear with me.  
**

**Disclaimer—I do not own **_**Lord of the Flies. **_**All characters belong to William Golding.**

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Ralph: Hey, everyone! I just found something wizard!

Jack: What?

Ralph: We have something called a "fandom". Here, look. (Hands Jack a laptop; everyone else crowds around.)

Piggy: They write stories about us?

Ralph: Yeah, and they draw pictures, too. Smashing, isn't it?

Simon: Um, well, I guess so.

Jack: Why can't you just enjoy it, Simon? See here; look at this picture of me! I'm almost as attractive there as I am in real life!

Roger: (Points) Click on that.

Jack: What is it?

Roger: Something called "slash", I think. It has your name on it, and mine, so it must be good.

(Jack clicks on the link and everyone reads the story by...someone.)

Simon: (Halfway through) Oh...my. Are—are you sure you want to finish this?

Roger: (Grinning) Of course! It's so _funny_!

Jack: And so...just...I don't know.

Piggy: You find this funny? We ought to write a letter to this "fandom", Ralph—see just what all these people are up to.

Ralph: They seem cracked to me. But all right. Does anyone have an idea on what they want to ask?

Jack: Well, I want to make sure that they like me more than you.

Ralph: ...Why do you hate me?

Jack: Just get some paper and write the question.

Piggy: I got it already. (Holds up pen.)

Jack: (Sighs) You would, Fatty.

Ralph: Shut up. (To Piggy) Did you write the question?

Piggy: Right here on the paper.

Ralph: Well, _I _have a question for them, too. I wonder why they liked Will's book.

Jack: I don't remember Will. Was he a littlun?

Piggy: Yes, the littlun what was always scratching things in the sand. You remember, don't you, Ralph?

Ralph: Sort of. He made us famous, so it would make sense that I _would. _Did you write my question?

Piggy: What was it again?

Ralph: Ask them why they liked the book.

Piggy: Okay. Got it down now. Simon, have you got a question?

Simon: I suppose...I mean, if they don't mind, of course...

Jack: Just say it, for the Queen's sake!

Simon: Well, Will didn't write about where we were before the island—of course he didn't know, so it would make sense—but I wonder what they think about that. I mean, what do they think we were like before the island?

Piggy: All right.

Roger: I've got one! What death did they think was the most wizard? Yours, Piggy, or Simon's, or the sow's, or even that littlun with the mulberry mark on his face?

Piggy: Why on earth would you ask something like that?

Ralph: He's just being Roger. Perhaps you should write it down...

Piggy: Of course! (Quickly writes question) All right, I suppose I ought to ask one now. Hmm. (Scribbles something, then shows the list to the rest of them.) What d'you think?

Ralph: I think that's fine. Now all we have to do is post it.

(Everyone looks at one another)

Jack: How do we do that?

Piggy: I'll figure it out. Jus' as soon as I figure out how to work this here computer...

Everyone else: (sighs)

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Here is the completed list of questions for the LotF fandom, from the boys themselves.

_Jack asks: Which of us is your favorite? It had better be me._

_Ralph asks: Why did you like the book in the first place?_

_Simon asks: What do you think our lives were like before the island?_

_Roger asks: Which island death was the best/worst?_

_Piggy asks: What's up with the slash? _

_Piggy's Note: I want to be ambiguous about our feelings on slash, because you should be honest. Don't feel like you have to answer _every _question, either._


	2. Chapter 2

Here everyone is again, about to check the computer for updates...

Piggy: (Opens laptop) Look here! They wrote back!

Simon: Oh, did they? That was so nice of them to answer our questions! They must have taken a long time to answer...

Jack: Move over! (Pushes the two aside) I want to see how much they love me.

Ralph: Well, you're in for quite a disappointment.

Roger: I've already got another question for them.

Piggy: That'll have to wait until after we've gone through the replies.

(Everyone reads the answers)

Ralph: I say, I like this "fandom".

Piggy: Me too, Ralph. They seem quite charming.

Roger: They were all so sad when Simon died...

Ralph: That's because they have feelings, unlike you.

Roger: I've got feelings!

Ralph: None that I can see, other than being angry and sad all the time.

Jack: Shut up, you two! You're not talking about the biggest, worst problem of the fandom!

Piggy: What's that?

Jack: Of all of them, only one had me as their favorite!

Ralph: At least you had one. Even Piggy had one.

Jack: Serves you right! You ought not to have anyone like you more than the rest of us.

Ralph: No, _you _shouldn't be anyone's favorite. Why, you burned the whole island down—and you're the reason they all became savages!

Jack: Because I was better than you. Maybe if you were more open to having fun, they would've stayed with you.

Ralph: I was just fine with them having fun, so long as they got their work done first!

Simon: Stop! Stop fighting! At least we got replies. And besides, one said she liked all of us equally. No one said they hated you, Ralph.

Piggy: Easy for _you _to say. I "get on people's nerves".

Simon: Only one. You were someone else's favorite.

Roger: (Abruptly changes subject) Look at what she wrote! "No best death"? What a goody-goody! No wonder her favorite was Simon.

Simon: That's because death is bad.

Roger: Shut up! Neither of you are ever going to—

Ralph: Stop it, Roger! These are our fans! We _must _be nice to them. They like us.

Roger: Not _me_.

Ralph: But that's just one person. And besides, someone else _did _name you as their favorite. Come on. Let's look at some more answers.

(Pause)

Roger: These two both think my parents died in the war.

Ralph: Did they?

Roger: Don't ask me about my family!

Ralph: Sorry...but perhaps you shouldn't have brought it up.

Roger: I didn't. They wrote about it. And _Simon _asked the question.

Simon: (Yet another subject change) This one said she'd write some things and dedicate them to me! (Blushes) I wonder what she means by that...

Roger: I don't know, and I don't care, either.

Jack: I don't understand why they aren't dedicating things to _me. _I'm obviously the best.

Ralph: (sighs)

Simon: Most of them guessed my past life correctly. I didn't have many friends...

Jack: We know.

Simon: Yes, but Piggy and Ralph didn't go to our school. They don't know.

Piggy: We do now.

Ralph: And we're your friends, right?

Simon: ...Right.

(Awkward silence)

Ralph: Well...on to my question now, I suppose. They all liked the book for different reasons.

Piggy: This one said she liked the way it showed how we could turn savage.

Ralph: And this one thought we were all her friends.

Roger: Fat chance.

Ralph: You don't even know them! How can you be sure you _wouldn't _be friends?

Roger: I don't suspect any of them share any interests with me.

Simon: I sure hope not.

Jack: Well, _I _think the best answer was that they thought it was action-packed.

Piggy: Why?

Jack: With the hunts and fighting (all of which I dominated, by the way)? Why else would you like the book?

Piggy: Our story is actually full of symbolism and reflects society.

Simon: That one liked how she could...speculate on things. Like our past stories and things.

Ralph: It's a good thing you asked that question, then.

Simon: (smiles)

Piggy: On to my question, then. Looks like some of them liked the slash but others don't.

Ralph: Well, what do you think?

Piggy: No one ever writes slash about me; how am I s'posed to know?

Ralph: Is that a challenge for them? Because I—

Roger: (Interrupts) Well, if we're getting to the questions part, I'd like to ask mine. Piggy, have you got a pen?

Piggy: I'm jus' gonna write them on the computer this time. Save ink.

Roger: All right. Ask them what their favorite torture method is.

Piggy: (Poker face)

Roger: Write it, Fatty!

Piggy: (Types quickly) All right, all right. Anyone else?

Ralph: Some of the things they were saying, some of the words...I want to know, what is a Mary Sue? And what does that have to do with slash, anyway?

Piggy: Okay. Simon? Jack?

Jack: What tribe would they rather be in—mine or Ralph's?

Simon: Well, like I said earlier...when that one wanted to dedicate stuff to me...what does that mean? When the dedicate stuff to us? Like, what kind of things?

Piggy: Is that all?

All: (Nod)

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_Here is the completed list of questions._

_From Piggy: How would you react to a slash fic involving me?_

_From Ralph: What's a Mary Sue, and what does that have to do with slash?_

_From Roger: What's your favorite torture method?_

_From Jack: My tribe or Ralph's?_

_From Simon: What's up with the dedications?_

_Again, don't think you've got to answer them all. Thanks so much for your replies! We like this little fandom. –Piggy_


	3. Chapter 3

Piggy: All right, everyone. I been thinking, and I came up with some rules for this "fandom" thing...

Roger: Ugh. Why must _everything _have rules?

Piggy: 'Cause I write down everything we say, and it's hard to keep track of what people're saying all the time!

Ralph: Well, I helped you come up with them. The rules, I mean. First, we'll only talk about one question's answers at a time. That way it'll be easier for Piggy to write what we say.

Jack: (annoyed) And?

Ralph: We've got to keep every Saturday free so we can meet up and talk about these.

Jack: What if we're free on another day?

Ralph: We can get together then. But I'm just saying we must reply at least once a week. Otherwise there'll be too many reviews.

Jack: Fine. I suppose that makes sense. But about the comments—why can't we just talk about what we want?

Ralph: Everyone wants to have their review replied to, and if we're just talking about them willy-nilly—without order—Piggy will have a hard time recording what we say.

Jack: Why should I care?

Piggy: Should _you _like to record all of this? I can't keep up with random comments thrown all over the place! Tell 'em, Ralph! Tell 'em it's hard to keep up with random comments!

Ralph: They understand, Piggy...let's look at the replies now.

Jack: Look at answers to my question first.

Ralph: Very well. Then...

Roger: Mine.

Ralph: Mine next, I suppose, then Piggy's, then Simon's.

Jack: Fine. Get on with it, then.

(Everyone counts the number of people who would join each tribe)

Jack: I _hate _this fandom! Three for me? You have _four!_ Why don't they understand that my tribe is obviously the best? The "Harmony" one gets it: we have fun. We have pork. We have Roger. And best of all, there's _me._

Ralph: I only have one more person than you. Besides, the...the one with the weird name said you were her favorite character, anyway.

Piggy: Which one?

Ralph: I can't say it right. (Points) Can you?

Piggy: Um... I'll just write down what it was.

_*Piggy's Note: Ralph was talking about Duthae cilthri._

Jack: She even gave more reasons to join my tribe than Ralph's. I'm "charismatic, courageous, and awesome"! We have fun, and protect _ourselves _from the beast. Stupid fire.

Simon: The fire _was _pretty important. I mean, it was the only reason we got rescued...

Jack: Shut up, young Simon! It was _my _fire that got us rescued anyway—not Ralph's!

Ralph: Let's move on to the next answer...

Jack: All right. I've got something to say to the Luckiest One: if you were in Ralph's tribe, we would kill you. Now join me, like Samneric.

Ralph: (sighs)

Roger: I like how Nagini thinks Jack "made" me torture people...

Ralph: I guess that brings us to Roger's question.

Roger: Some of them are so unhelpful. I go to them for ideas, and they won't share anything. Like, the Harmony one. She said "talking about waterfalls around someone who has to go". What kind of idea is that?

Simon: Well, you did it to Harold once...I remember. It was before the island.

Roger: The one who loves Jack said that she has "too many to count"! And yet she's not going to share that with me.

Jack: Well, her username makes up for her lack of sharing.

Ralph: I like the "Simon Y U No Marry Me". (To Simon) Looks like someone's got the hots for you!

Simon: (Blushes and stares at the ground) Well, that's nice, I suppose. I mean, I'm glad someone likes me...but I'm too young to get married, and...um...I like you too, just not in that...way.

Everyone: (Snickers)

Ralph: But just look what she wrote about you! You're adorable, angelic, pure, and perfect! (Laughs some more)

Piggy: Okay, back to the answers! We can talk about that when we get to your Mary Sue question, Ralph.

Simon: A-are you saying I'm like a Mary Sue?

Everyone: (Laughs again)

Simon: Stop laughing at me! That's all you ever did on the island, and it's all you ever do now!

Ralph: Sorry.

Piggy: Actually, I done some research about Mary Sues. We'd be called "Marty Stus"—that's the boy version—and I took a test to see if we were.

Jack: And?

Piggy: Simon is one. According to the test, anyway.

Jack: If anyone is a Marty Stu, it's me. I'm perfect and the most powerful and most talented and—

Piggy: But the book says you're wrong sometimes. In the book, Simon is never wrong, and he knows lots more than everyone else.

Roger: We have some torture methods to discuss!

Simon: Couldn't we just...skip that question?

Roger: NO.

Ralph: All right. After your rant is over, let's move on.

Roger: The one with the weird name is my favorite. She had lots of good ideas. Tying people to chairs and twisting their legs? One of the best. Although I do enjoy a lot of blood...the whipping is fun. We hit people with branches on the island, and that had a lot of blood. I've heard of Midnight Arrow's waterboard torture, but again—not enough blood.

Simon: Roger, this isn't good for you! Think of the person you _could _be!

Roger: What do you mean?

Simon: I-I don't really know how to say this, but you really have no personality. None, not outside of being sadistic. If you weren't sadistic, what would you be like?

Roger: (Flatly) I _am _sadistic.

Simon: I mean if you _weren't. _If you were...normal.

Roger: (Approaches Simon) Am I not normal? Because I can—

Simon: Well, I just...I...I mean... (Sways; passes out)

Jack: (Starts yelling and hollering unintelligibly; storms out of the room)

Ralph: (Stares) I have my question for the fandom.

Piggy: What's that?

Ralph: Any suggestions on how Jack can deal with Simon's faints better?

Piggy: Okay. Since Simon's passed out, I wrote down his question.

Ralph: Which was?

Piggy: "If Roger wasn't sadistic, what would he be like?"

Ralph: Explain, please.

Piggy: What Simon meant was that Roger being sadistic wasn't his real self. Being sadistic means there's something wrong with your mind. If Roger's mind was normal—

Roger: My mind _is _normal! I'm just sadistic!

Ralph: No—he has a point. Being sadistic is like a disease...

Roger: I _don't _have a disease. (Leaves the room) (Mumbles) Simon...I should like to make a list of all his annoying traits...

Ralph: I guess it's just us.

Piggy: We still got two more questions to talk about, and there's only us left! Simon's fainted; Jack and Roger left.

Ralph: Wait for Simon to wake up, then.

(Long silence)

Simon: (Disoriented) Wh-where's Roger...?

Ralph: He and Jack left.

Simon: ...Why?

Ralph: Long story.

Piggy: Let's talk about my question.

Ralph: Not much to say. Most people would be "weirded out" by a slash fic involving you.

Simon: I'm "weirded out" by slash fics, too. It really doesn't matter who they're about.

Piggy: The best way to test this is to write a slash fic about me and publish it—just to see what people say.

Ralph: You know I'm no good at writing.

Piggy: Me neither. Simon?

Simon: I'd feel weird writing one, even if it weren't serious.

Piggy: Well, I read the one about me and Jack...

Ralph: And?

Piggy: I don't want to talk about it.

Ralph: Okay, on to Simon's question.

Piggy: The one what wanted to marry Simon did a dedication right there in the reply.

Ralph: I still think it would be interesting to see Midnight Arrow's pre-island thing.

Piggy: Should we ever tell them about what actually happened to us before the island?

Simon: Let them dream. It's more fun that way.

Piggy: All right. I'm going to write the questions down...

Ralph: But Jack didn't ask a question.

Piggy: Your suggestions on Simon fainting can be his. Think of another.

Ralph: All right. And what about Roger?

Piggy: I heard him mumbling about annoying traits of Simon. We should have them list some of those.

Simon: I'm not annoying! Am I, Ralph?

Ralph: Well, think about it as a defense against them calling you a Marty Stu.

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_Here is the completed list of questions:_

_Ralph: What type of beast/monster do we resemble most (as in vampire, werewolf, ghost, etc.)? Just for fun._

_Roger: List all of Simon's annoying attributes. (No skipping this question; I'm curious)_

_Jack: How to deal with Simon fainting?_

_Simon: What is Roger's real personality?_

_Piggy: Which of us do you find most annoying?_

_Piggy's Note: With the one about Simon being annoying, you could twist one of his good traits to make it sound annoying. I don't know. I'm just really curious about that one._


	4. Chapter 4

Ralph: (annoyed) So, you decided to show up this time?

Jack: Shut up. I had a...family thing to go to.

Ralph: Of course you did.

Piggy: We called you on the telephone more'n ten times, Jack Merridew! We got rules in place, an' you aren't following 'em...we ought to kick you out of the group—

Simon: I don't know...I mean, people really like him. He's a main character; it wouldn't be all of us without him.

Ralph: Even Roger showed up. But you—

Jack: (angry) Well, I'm here now, aren't I? Let's just talk about the replies! I've got plenty of questions.

Ralph: Good, because we've got plenty for you.

Simon: Please—just please stop fighting. We've got to talk about the replies, not argue.

Jack: Well, I looked up a lot of them online, and they all think you're annoying.

Simon: Ralph said they should list things about me that they find annoying.

Jack: Serves you right. I ought to ask them for annoying traits about Ralph next.

Piggy: Everyone, just shut up! We came here to talk about answers to our questions, an' no one hasn't even looked at them yet!

Ralph: All right. Open the reviews page.

Piggy: We got fifteen of 'em. That's what we get for not answering on time.

Jack: Some of them answered old questions. Let's skip those.

Simon: Maybe they didn't know they were answering the wrong questions...

Jack: Who cares? I've got things to do today, mostly having to do with our concert next week.

Simon: (panicking) There's—there's a concert next week?

Roger: Yes...how did you not get the memo?

Simon: I—I guess I wasn't paying attention...

Jack: You never pay attention. Yet another one of your annoying traits, listed by...uh..._Adraesteia._ And you'd best not faint again, or I'll—

Ralph: We ought to ask them to give us shorter names to address them as.

Piggy: Good idea! Writing it down...

Jack: You wrote mine down, didn't you?

Piggy: The one 'bout Ralph's annoying attributes? Yep.

Ralph: ALL RIGHT. So, let's discuss someone's question now.

Roger: Mine, about Simon being annoying.

Simon: I still don't know why you'd ask such a thing...

Ralph: He's just being Roger.

Simon: Still doesn't make it less offensive.

Roger: Oh, come off it, Simon! You must get tired of people "expressing their love for you" all the time.

(silence)

Ralph: Okay—talk!

Jack: You can't tell me what to do.

Piggy: JUST SHUT UP! Talk about Roger's question right now, or I quit!

Everyone: *poker face*

Simon: I just want to say to Adraesteia and Nightkill that I didn't mean to run into that tree. I just...I didn't have any friends on the island, and Ralph was being really nice, and I wanted to talk to him but I didn't know what to say...

Jack: Oh, stop brown-nosing them! You just want them to think you're cute. The Frodo one is right, about you at least—you _are _ a "wimp", as they say.

Simon: (quietly) I'm just explaining some stuff.

Jack: All right, everyone, listen up: The reason he hit the tree was because he wasn't paying attention. And the reason he faints is because he's such a little baby that he can't take anything and just passes out. See? This was a good question to ask.

Simon: (to Ralph) This is why I don't try and stand up for myself...

Ralph: All right, all right. No more questions on why people are annoying.

Jack: But that's _my _question this time. And you can't do anything to change it.

Ralph: FINE! One more. But that's it. It's too cruel, and it's pointless. We're here to learn about the fandom, not pick on people. I made a mistake allowing Piggy to write it last time.

Piggy: I should've said something, too, Ralph...

Ralph: No, it's fine. Just...move on. Ignore it.

Piggy: I also should've asked a different question. No one likes me...

Roger: Pinky thinks _I'm _annoying. She's brave to have written that...

Jack: Plus the Frodo one said _I _was the most annoying. I'm _not _annoying.

Piggy: You get annoyed too easy.

Jack: Because all of you are annoying! Except Roger.

Ralph: (sarcastic) Perhaps you should listen to her advice, _Merridew_. Stop being so loud about your accomplishments.

Jack: I don't yell just to yell. No one listens unless you yell.

Simon: I listen.

Jack: You didn't even know about the concert!

Piggy: Jus' stop with your fighting! We got answers to talk about!

Ralph: Piggy's right—that's enough with asking who's the most annoying, or why certain people are annoying.

Jack: You said that already.

Ralph: I know, but you aren't listening to me! I try not to yell, Jack, but I guess no one listens unless you do!

Jack: (to Roger) Well, it should be easy for them to list annoying things about Ralph after _this_.

Roger: (snickers)

Ralph: Okay. Let's talk about my question now, because it was supposed to be a fun one.

Piggy: Yeah—p'rhaps it'll get you to stop fighting long enough for me to catch my breath.

Jack: You and your ass-mar...

Simon: The one who loves Jack said I was Jesus!

Piggy: The critics think that's who you are.

Simon: If that's what I'm supposed to be, I don't think the critics know anything about Jesus. I mean, he was a really good speaker, and he was perfect and a great leader and teacher...I'm not anything like that.

Roger: I agree with anyone who said you're a unicorn.

Jack: (laughs) Yeah, and I think I should be a centaur, like the one who loves me said.

Ralph: They're creative. I think I could see all of us as what they picked.

Simon: Yes, well...except me as Jesus.

Ralph: Let's talk about your question next.

Roger: The one about me? I still don't see why you can't see my personality as it is.

Simon: Well, like I said...being sadistic isn't good...and it can't really be someone's personality...

Roger: Unless you're me. Most of them said that I'd just be the same, without having actually killed anyone.

Ralph: Which makes me think they misread the question. What Simon meant was, "What if you were a good person?". I guess we didn't write it clear. But they had good ideas.

Piggy: Yeah—Roger, were you actually abused like Duthie and Luthien said?

Roger: ...No. I was bored.

Ralph: Okay, then...

(awkward silence)

Jack: Well, this is what you get when you bother people about their lives before the island.

Simon: I still want to see Midnight Arrow's thing.

Ralph: Yes, that would be fun.

(another silence)

Jack: Roger is kind of protective, you know. Like with Castle Rock?

Ralph: (to Roger) I think you'd be different from Simon in that you're observant instead of tuned out.

Roger: Yes, and I'm smart.

Simon: You're saying I'm not?

Roger: That's what I'm trying to imply.

(another silence)

Ralph: Okay, last question. The one we asked for Jack.

Piggy: I like the one what Midnight Arrow said, about Jack thinking of what Simon would do.

Jack: You mean hyperventilate and pass out like the other person?

Simon: I wouldn't do that! And yes, I do like orange juice.

Piggy: Okay, let's write down our new questions. Everyone write their own. Here's the paper...

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_Here's the completed list of questions:_

_Jack: List Ralph's annoying traits._

_Ralph: Which of us is most like you?_

_Simon: Are humans basically good or evil?_

_Piggy: Why do you write about girls on the island?_

_Roger: Who's more evil—me or Jack?_

_Piggy's Note: Also, give us a "nickname" for you so we can address you more easily. _

_And about us contacting you from the dead...we don't really know; willing suspension of disbelief?_


	5. Chapter 5

Ralph: All right, since everyone's here, we might as well get started.

Jack: Good, because _Simon _was throwing a fit about coming today.

Simon: I was _not _throwing a fit. I'm not feeling well today...I didn't want to get sick.

Jack: Well, bullocks to your sickness. I don't care if you've puked or fainted or anything else. Our concert is _tomorrow, _and we can't have anyone skip.

Simon: I wouldn't be skipping, just—

Jack: Shut up. (to Ralph and Piggy) What have we got today?

Piggy: One of 'em, the Hammsters one, had to get caught up with these here questions. She answered all of 'em, in different replies.

Jack: What else?

Ralph: Just people answering, like they normally do.

Jack: Let's hear them, then. I haven't time to waste, not before the concert.

Ralph: You never have time.

Jack: Should _you _like to manage the choir? It's not nearly so easy as it looks. You never do anything!

Ralph: I—

Roger: If you're going to fight the whole time again, I might as well just go home.

Piggy: I hate to say this, but Roger's right. We got things to do.

Ralph: Let's begin.

Jack: We'll do my question first, since that one's listed first.

Simon: Okay, as long as we don't talk about the Hammsters one. She's mean—to Ralph, anyway. I don't think people ought to be mean. And besides, she used a lot of bad words...

Roger: Oh, shut up, Simon. Stop being such a goody two-shoes. I think it's funny.

Ralph: Say whatever you like, but I'm _not _a pansy, not stupid, and not full of myself. How could anyone say that with _Jack Merridew _right next to me?

Jack: I'm not full of myself! And I'm certainly not stupid or a pansy!

Simon: Stop fighting! We've got to practice for the concert tonight!

Ralph: All right, let's move on. What else did they say?

Piggy: Look—here.

Ralph: What? I-I am _not _trying to be anyone's mummy or daddy, and I'm not bossy either! I just tried to keep them in line, that's all. Do things the way grown-ups would've.

Roger: Isn't that what a parent does?

Ralph: It's also what a good leader does. You all were going barmy! Someone had to stay sane. The only reason I had to sound like a "broken record" was because none of you were doing what I said! I was _not _anti-fun. We just needed to keep the fire going, because—because—

Piggy: Rescue.

Ralph: Oh yes, because of rescue. Without the fire we couldn't be rescued. So we had to—

Jack: All right, we get it! Next?

Ralph: Next would be my question.

Roger: Banana Boat only answered that one. You must be her favorite.

Jack: If she's most like you, why would Ralph be her favorite?

Roger: I don't know, but if you only answer one question, you must like the question-asker an awful lot...

Ralph: Well, it's good to think I'm someone's favorite.

Piggy: Don't be so sure. Ralph's question was asking people about themselves. People like to talk about themselves, more than they like to talk about others.

Simon: It seems that people are most similar to me and Roger, at the same time. I don't really know how that fits, but I guess—

Piggy: P'rhaps it's because they're introverts. Makes sense, really. Most people aren't as innocent as you or as evil as Roger. So...an introvert would be some blend of you and Roger, and the extrovert would be...Ralph. Or Jack.

Ralph: I could see that. But what about that test online?

Piggy: We should ask them for the link.

Ralph: Does that count as my question?

Piggy: It c'n be from all of us. Let's see if we all get ourselves.

Ralph: Okay. Sounds fun.

Jack: (pointing) A lot of them said they're like me.

Ralph: You mean bossy, loud, and mean?

Jack: No, that's _you. _I happen to be a good leader. I can at least make people do what I say. You're too soft.

Ralph: I don't like to yell, that's all. You ought to have known that the fire was important, and that we needed to have rules...

Roger: *sighs* Next question? It's Simon's.

Simon: Wait, let me read them first.

(after a minute of Jack and Ralph arguing while Simon reads)

Simon: So many of them think we're both good and evil. But they weren't on that island...

Ralph: What about us? Weren't we good?

Simon: But the Bible says that "there is no one righteous"!

Roger: Not everyone believes in the Bible.

Simon: What if it's true, though?

Roger: What if it _isn't_?

Ralph: We really don't need this right now...

Simon: But Ralph! Don't you believe in the Bible?

Ralph: I suppose I do, but can't we finish this later?

Piggy: I can't believe you're trying to have a theological debate right now.

Jack: Everyone just shut up! Move on to the next question!

Piggy: Mine—the one what was about the girls on the island.

Jack: I agree with Nala, the one who loves me. Why should there be girls?

Simon: Girls or no girls, we're still all the beast...

Piggy: I agree. But I noticed that in a lot of them fics they made us older. I s'pose that might change some things.

Ralph: Of course it would, if we were old enough to have girlfriends.

Simon: But we aren't. I know this is kind of off-topic, but I think these people sometimes forget how young we are.

Jack: So what? I like teenagers. They're funny.

Simon: I know, but they know things we ought not to, and they use language that my mama and daddy—

Roger: Oh, shut up! It doesn't matter.

Simon: I'm just saying...

Ralph: Well, Midnight said to watch children playing. I think she just meant like the littluns.

Simon: Maybe she did. I suppose I just want to say that, well, we ought to not be exposed to certain things. That's all.

Ralph: Piggy can tell them that in his note if you feel strongly about it.

Piggy: 'Sides, we don't even need to watch littluns to know that people aren't good. The island's got that proved already.

Jack: Would you all stop being such goody-goodies? It's all in good fun! They're our fans.

Simon: I know, but they can't be using bad language and talking about bad things. Otherwise I can't talk to them anymore. Mama and Daddy would be cross if they found out, and I don't want to—

Piggy: This is the internet, Simon. I seen bad things browsing the fandom, like what they call "Rule 34".

Ralph: What's that?

Piggy: *whispers to everyone but Simon*

Ralph: WHAT.

Jack: They—they _do _that?

Roger: *laughs hysterically*

Simon: Can we just talk about the last question, please?

Jack: Yes, please. We've got to go practice.

Roger: That's mine. And they all say _I'm _more evil.

Simon: You're proud of that?

Roger: Someone has to be sadistic.

Simon: No, they don't. Like we said, you could be a good person!

Piggy: Actually, we're each s'posed to be part of a person's mind. Like, you're the religious part, I'm logic, Ralph's the ego, Jack's the power hunger, and Roger's the desire to hurt.

Simon: How did you know that?

Piggy: I been on the Internet, remember?

Ralph: Well, we've got a few questions for the Internet, right?

Piggy: Yah. I'll write 'em down this time. You jus' say 'em.

Ralph: I'm going to think of a fun one, because no one here thinks I'm fun! (short pause) I got it. Ask them if they've got a theme song for each of us.

Piggy: All right. Jack? Roger? Simon?

Roger: Ask them what they think of Rule 34.

Jack: And who they think the best singer in the choir is.

Simon: Oh, and which kind of pet they think each of us should have. Daddy's going to get me one, at least, and I want to know their opinion.

Piggy: Good. Jus' let me think of one real quick... (writes something) Anything else?

Simon: This might sound lame, but I'm nervous about the concert tomorrow. I could really use some moral support.

Roger: Stop being such a baby!

Ralph: He's not being a baby. Some people are just more shy.

Roger: If he was so shy, he shouldn't have joined the choir. Jack, you ought to kick him out...

*random verbal argument over almost nothing ensues*

_Here is the completed list of questions:_

_Ralph: Theme song for each of us? List them, please!_

_Jack: Who do you think is the best singer in the choir (except me, of course)?_

_Roger: What do you think of Rule 34?_

_Simon: A pet for each of us?_

_Piggy: The book says Ralph is twelve. How old do you think the rest of us are?_

_Special Requests: _

_Whoever has the link to the quiz, share it._

_Also, moral support for Simon._

_Piggy's Note: While I realize this is the Internet, please try to keep things PG for Simon. Not super-censored, but I assume you know what we're saying. My auntie wouldn't be too pleased with...bad things. You don't want us to get in trouble, do you?_


	6. Chapter 6

Jack: I can't believe you'd forgive _Fatty _for being late, but not me!

Piggy: I been sick!

Ralph: Yes, he had a mighty bad cold...

Piggy: Can't help it, neither. People what got asthma get sick more.

Jack: I had a family thing! I told you that! And Simon was sick, too...

Ralph: Simon's sick anyway, Jack. And besides, we're all here now.

Simon: Ralph's right. And anyway, who would write down what we say if Piggy weren't here? I don't think any of us would volunteer. I mean, it seems like a pretty hard job and I wouldn't like all that responsibility...

Piggy: 'S not that hard; I jus' got to listen to you, that's all.

Jack: All right! Let's start looking at the replies.

Piggy: (opens tab)Ralph, looks like your question is first. It was an interesting one.

Simon: I listened to all of the ones they said reminded them of me.

Ralph: Me too.

Jack: And me.

Piggy: Looks like all of us did, unless Roger didn't...

Roger: I did. My favorite was "Getting Away With Murder". Or "House of Wolves". Although "Pumped Up Kicks" was fairly good, too. It's just that I think shooting is too kind.

Ralph: Too kind?

Roger: Well, if you've shot them, you haven't time to torture them...

Simon: (shudders) ...Um, I liked the songs they picked for me! A lot of them were really sad, though.

Ralph: That's because you had the saddest story of anyone on the island. According to them, anyway.

Simon: One of the songs was even named after me! Sort of. It was one of my favorites. But "Vanilla Twilight" was good, too.

Ralph: Their music is really interesting, I have to say. They picked out a sad one for me, too. "How to Save a Life". Makes me feel bad about what happened to Piggy...

Piggy: It _was _your fault.

Ralph: Not entirely—Roger rolled the boulder!

Piggy: You were s'posed to make sure I was okay. I didn't have my specs.

Simon: Please stop fighting. I could blame all of you for what happened to me, but—

Jack: He's too much of a goody-goody.

Ralph: Okay, the next song they picked out for me was "Viva La Vida". Yet another one to make me feel good about myself.

Piggy: Not so fast. The song was talking 'bout a ruler who got overthrown 'cause he was too power-hungry. You was overthrown 'cause Jack was too power-hungry.

Jack: But the song is still about him; I listened to it!

Piggy: Honestly, "Son of Man" describes Ralph the most...

Ralph: Yes; that, or "I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt".

Everyone but Simon: *laughs*

Jack: Don't be stupid, Ralph—that song is obviously about me.

Simon: I think "Innocent" describes you the most...

Jack: Shut up. No one cares what you think. "Ruler and the Killer" was one of the best, I say.

Ralph: Or "You're Gonna Go Far, Kid".

Piggy: I'm surprised by how many people write about us. A lot of those songs are actually about the book.

Simon: And some of them that aren't, you can't help but wonder if they secretly are.

Piggy: Well, people do tend to make everything apply to their lives. I expect that's what we been doing when we listened to them songs.

Jack: My question next! Ralph, don't ask that kind of thing again—it took ages to listen to all those songs.

Simon: But they were good songs...

Ralph: On to Jack's question.

Roger: Which was mostly just a fight over whether I was better at singing than Simon. Not that I care, anyway—I don't even like singing.

Jack: Then why are you in the choir?

Roger: Everyone's fun to torment.

Jack: I suppose that's true. I remember when you and Maurice—

Simon: Oh, we don't need to talk about that...

Roger: No, it was hilarious! We were—

Ralph: I don't want to know. Anyway, back to the question: I haven't actually heard any of you sing, except Jack. So I can't really have an opinion, either.

Piggy: Speaking of which, how was your concert?

Simon: It was...fine.

Jack: Well, no one fainted, thank goodness, so I'd say it was a success.

Simon: Well, except when Robert tripped onstage.

Roger: _That _was hilarious. He fell right on his face!

Simon: But it was kind of sad, too. I mean, it was his first solo...

Roger: Which only makes it funnier.

Piggy: NEXT QUESTION. Which happens to be about Rule 34. I went to that Tumblr site like Walter said, and...I found more of it'n I ever wanted to see.

Roger: So many of them don't know what it is. Even though the shy one put it right in the review.

Ralph: But it's everywhere! I went on Tumblr, too, and saw it.

Simon: If you don't mind me asking, what's Rule 34? You didn't tell me last time.

Ralph: Didn't you read the reviews?

Simon: Sort of. Well, I skipped over a lot of them.

Ralph: Never mind, then. I was thinking...suppose we got a Tumblr? There are a lot of reviews here, and I wonder if we could move there. People do Q&As there all the time.

Piggy: Some of 'em on here probably don't have a Tumblr. And besides, we're getting too far into this Internet thing. Have you watched "My Little Pony" yet?

Ralph: (quietly) Yes. It's actually not so bad.

Piggy: So that's why we got to stay out of the Internet.

Jack: But Rage Comics are funny.

Roger: Where do you read them?

Jack: Reddit.

Roger: Good. Thought you were a 9Gagger for a minute.

Jack: Me? I would never—

Piggy: That's it! Everyone stay off the Internet except to answer these reviews!

Roger: But I like the Internet. It has so many torture ideas...

Simon: That's why you ought to stay off.

Ralph: Next question. It was the one about pets. I don't think I need a pet right now, so...

Roger: I killed all of mine.

Piggy: Simon, you said your folks were gonna get one for you.

Simon: Yes, and for my brothers and sisters, too. We ended up getting a litter of kittens.

Jack: Sounds good. Listen, I want to leave soon, so can we please finish up? The last question was yours, Piggy, and a lot of them thought I was thirteen.

Piggy: How old are you?

Jack: Twelve. But I'll be thirteen soon.

Ralph: Unless anyone else would like to share their age, we've got to think of some questions now...

Simon: Okay, then. I want to ask one that's a little harder to answer. In my vision with the pig's head, sometimes I wonder if it was really just a vision or the devil was actually speaking to me. Ask them what they think of that.

Ralph: There's another one I wanted to ask—do they think that they're the beast? And another thing, which isn't really my question: how come Banana Boat hates me?

Roger: We already asked the question of what makes you annoying—go back and read those. I'll ask which part of the book was the scariest.

Jack: And I'll ask about the Internet—is it really so bad?

Piggy: And my question is about Tumblr. Is that all? Any special requests?

All: No.

000000000000000000000

_Le questions:_

_Simon: Was the vision a vision or an actual "talk" with the devil?_

_Ralph: Do you think you're the beast?_

_Roger: Which part of the book scared you the most?_

_Jack: Is the Internet such a bad place?_

_Piggy: How would a Tumblr thing work (are any of you on Tumblr)?_

_That's all for now. Sorry for being sick._


	7. Chapter 7

Ralph: All right, Piggy, start writing.

Piggy: I'm getting it, Ralph.

Ralph: Good. Okay, so what are we doing?

Jack: I'm not sure, but I hope they haven't left too many reviews.

Simon: I always want to talk about all of them, but we can't. I'm just afraid that some of them will feel bad if we don't talk about them.

Roger: It's not our job to make them feel good about themselves. Come on now; let's look.

Ralph: Simon's question was first. The one about your vision. Before we talk about the others, what do you think?

Simon: Well, I'm not sure, but I learned at Bible school that the devil is a liar. The pig head was telling me the truth, so I don't think it was him. Besides, they also said that Christians couldn't be possessed by demons.

Roger: They can still terrorize you.

Piggy: You'd know. You are one.

Simon: Stop it! Most of them don't believe in the devil anyway; they agree it was a vision.

Jack: 'Cept Hammsters. She's still convinced you're Jesus.

Ralph: I like what Midnight Arrow said—perhaps it was a vision of you talking to the devil.

Jack: Yo dawg...

Piggy: Have you been spending more time on the Internet? I said we should stay off of there!

Jack: But they said it wasn't a bad thing! The Internet is good if you know where to look, and besides—it isn't as if any of us have any innocence left to lose anyway.

Ralph: Which of us would you say is the most innocent?

Everyone: Simon.

Simon: N-not really. I-I guess I could be, but I did know a lot more about the beast than you. I knew about the beast before the island.

Piggy: Knowing about the beast don't make someone not innocent.

Roger: Well, don't forget the littluns.

Ralph: The littluns hunted me just like you!

Simon: Let's make that one of our questions.

Piggy: Right. For now, we still got answers to discuss.

Simon: Oh, and one more thing I want to say. I suppose it'd make sense that the vision was only in my head; after all, the beast is only us.

Ralph: Specifically Roger.

Roger: Watch your mouth.

Jack: Ralph's question is next. He asked people if they thought they were the beast. (to Ralph) Why did you ask that? It's a weird question.

Ralph: Well, the island got me to thinking that perhaps...we don't really know ourselves until we're desperate. None of us thought we'd be the beast, ever. But then...

(Short pause)

Simon: Juliet was asking what the beast was.

Jack: It obviously meant the evil side of people. How many times do we have to say it?

Piggy: Be civil! 'Sides, they could be good questions.

Simon: But she talked about evolution! I don't believe in evolution.

Roger: No one cares.

Jack: Must we always have some debate over a controversial issue?

Piggy: You know what "controversial" means?

Jack: Yes. What, did you think I was stupid?

Ralph: (sighs) All right, everyone. Let's talk about more answers. Kate brought up a good point, about us making mistakes.

Simon: But it's not easy to control the beast.

Piggy: I'll say. (glares at Jack and Roger)

Roger: Juliet thinks that her drawing of a seal and a shark is bad...ha! Amateur.

Simon: But you haven't seen it.

Ralph: The point is, most of them agree that we all have the beast in us. That's all I was looking for.

Jack: Oh, so you were asking a question just to have your opinion confirmed?

Piggy: You're using all kinds of big words today.

Jack: Internet. 'S not a bad thing. I told you.

Piggy: Next question, which is Roger's.

Roger: One of the guests said any scene with me. (grins)

Ralph: That must please you to no end. And another guest said they felt like they were me. I feel you, bro.

Piggy: (annoyed) More Internet...

Ralph: Hey! The Internet isn't bad. I like our fandom, 'cept for the people who do Rule 34.

Simon: One wants to know if I'm epileptic.

Jack: Who knows what's wrong with you? Before the island, you were in and out of the hospital like it was your second home. We ought to ask them what they think your problem is. At least with Piggy we know it's his ass-mar.

Ralph: Stop being so cruel! It isn't their fault they aren't the healthiest people.

Jack: Well, if you had to put up with Simon being gone from practice all the time—

Piggy: Just shut up! We got to stay focused!

Roger: At least two of the questions are out of the way.

Piggy: Supposing we skip Jack's question? We've already talked about it enough.

Jack: And you're the only one still insisting we stay off the Internet.

Ralph: It's just so he can tell us jokes from it without us calling out a repost.

Piggy: No, I jus' think it's a time-waster. What if you've got to study?

Ralph: I think it's rather ironic that you keep telling us to stay off, since I know you aren't staying off yourself. The only one not on the Internet is Simon.

Simon: I'm not really that interested, anyway...

Ralph: Well, I suppose it doesn't matter. All right, so I've noticed that they write little notes to us sometimes in the review. Let's answer those real fast, then we can write down the questions.

Piggy: An' they don't seem to be on Tumblr neither. Good. Yet another site we ain't gonna be hooked on.

Roger: (points) Walter really emphasized that we were boys...what, are we supposed to be braver than girls? That's kind of sexist.

Simon: And not taking into account our age. (pause) Kate says we ought to stop fighting; I've been trying to say that since the beginning.

Jack: Well, it's not like we're just suddenly going to get along.

Roger: Yeah, it seems to be in our nature to fight about everything.

Jack: Oceanfur wants me to marry her. I...don't quite know how to respond to that.

Ralph: It's a marriage proposal. Just say yes! (laughs)

Roger: I didn't get the benefit of a marriage proposal. One of the guests said I was married to her friend already.

Ralph: And I'm married to her. (laughs) See; this is why I like the fandom. They're very funny!

Roger: I don't like the idea of being tied down in marriage already.

Piggy: 'S not even legal for ten-year-olds to be married.

Roger: Well, good. I wonder how old they are.

Ralph: Probably not much older than us. I'm assuming they're mostly teenagers.

Jack: Scarlett wants Samneric to come ask questions. Why are they so important?

Ralph: We can invite them next time, still. It might be fun. (pause) And brohoof to the one obsessed with Roger, I suppose. Though I'm disturbed by your name...

Piggy: All right then. Question time.

Ralph: Like I said—who's the most innocent person on the island?

Jack: What on Earth is wrong with Simon?

Roger: Which of us would you say was the richest before the crash?

Simon: What do you think happened to Piggy's parents?

Piggy: Why did you want to know that...?

Simon: Well, it mentions it in the book.

Piggy: All right, all right.

000000000000000000000

_Here is the completed list of questions:_

_Ralph—Who's the most innocent?_

_Jack—What are Simon's health problems?_

_Roger—Which of us had the richest family?_

_Simon—What happened to Piggy's parents?_

_Piggy—Other than this one, what's your favorite website?_

_Piggy's Note: We'll try to talk to Samneric. No promises, though._


	8. Chapter 8

Simon: H-hi, Piggy. Where's Ralph?

Piggy: I think he's trying to convince Samneric to come over...never mind; there he is.

Ralph: So, I talked to Samneric.

Piggy: And?

Ralph: They'll be over in a bit; their mum wants them to finish up some chores first.

Jack: Chores? Don't they have other people to do their chores for them?

Roger: Not everyone's parents are rolling in money.

Jack: Well, I—

Ralph: Anyway, let's get started. I'm excited to tell them what we think of their answers. And I've written down some more questions...

Simon: Me, too. There's something I was wondering about Roger.

Roger: What?

Simon: Well, it's just that you're so..._mean. _

Roger: Aren't you a genius?

Simon: No; there's more than that. Why are you like that? Why are you always so mean to people? (pause) Never mind. I suppose it's just the beast. We're all the beast, you know.

Ralph: Why don't you make that your question, then? Come on, open the tab, Piggy.

Piggy: I'm working on it!

Simon: We sure have a lot of people trying to catch up on questions. I feel bad that we haven't time to go through those ones. They seem to put a lot of thought into answering these.

Jack: You know we can't, though. Well, we _could, _but I really don't want to. Besides, the Jazz one even said she knew we wouldn't go back and reply to those. They can catch up on questions if they want, but we aren't responsible for going back.

Ralph: (annoyed) They know. All right, then. We've got my question first this time, about which of us is the most innocent.

Simon: I think the littluns were. I know that a lot of them think I am, but honestly—I knew about the beast! The littluns didn't know better than to join one of your tribes.

Ralph: But, like I said, the littluns still hunted me at the end. They became savage, just like Jack.

Jack: We were _not _savage! We were just...

Piggy: Batty?

Jack: Yeah, batty. We didn't know—

Piggy: And I suppose Roger dropped the boulder on accident?

Roger: Well...

Piggy: Tell me, was it one? 'Cause my auntie wouldn't—

Ralph: Piggy, just make that your question. We mustn't waste time going over these things again and again. Why, it's almost as though we just get together to argue!

Roger: But arguing is fun. What kind of world would this be if everyone just agreed on everything?

Simon: A very nice one, actually. No one would get angry, and no one would have their feelings hurt—

Jack: You never get angry, anyway. When was the last time you were angry?

Simon: (quietly) I don't expect you need any more anger in your life, Jack. Or anyone else, for that matter. I mean, you're angry all the time almost; all of you are. Even Piggy.

Roger: Let's see if the others can come up with a way to annoy Simon. It'll be a challenge for them; even Ralph and Jack can't annoy him.

Ralph: Back to the question. I like what Kate said, about all the littluns losing innocence. But maybe my question was too broad. At the end, none of us were innocent, but Simon and Piggy stayed the same the whole way through.

Piggy: No one thought _I _was the most innocent.

Jack: That's because you weren't. Why else would you try to annoy the rest of us so? You were the biggest troll on the island. Ralph, don't you think Piggy was the biggest troll on the island?

Ralph: Not really. Actually, I think—

(door slams open; Samneric enter)

Sam: So, what're we doing?

Eric: You said it was something about questions.

Sam: And answers.

Eric: We got all done with the chores.

Ralph: Good. And yes, we're doing a question-and-answer type thing with our fandom.

Eric: What's a fandom?

Piggy: It's jus' a bunch of people who like the book we were in.

Sam: People _liked _that book?

Ralph: Apparently.

Piggy: So we're just asking 'em a bunch of questions about what they read.

Simon: And about us.

Sam: Wizard! So, is there anything about us?

Ralph: Not yet. You haven't asked any questions. The only thing people have said about you is asking you to come.

Jack: I still don't see how they're important. Piggy, you said we were all supposed to symbolize something, right?

Piggy: Right.

Jack: So, what do Samneric symbolize? I couldn't for the life of me guess what it is. They're just random people.

Eric: We are _not _random people!

Sam: We were the only ones who stayed in Ralph's tribe!

Eric: (eyeing Roger) Well, until...

Roger: Would you get over it? I had to make you join somehow.

Sam: Yes, and we've still got scars from that.

Ralph: Okay, we've wasted enough time. Let's do some more question-answer-answering.

Jack: I find Rachel's answer for your question the funniest. Simon didn't keep his mind. He was the battiest out of all of us. People who aren't batty don't have conversations with dead pigs.

Simon: It wasn't really a conversation. And Sophie, while you do have a very good point, having morals doesn't make you innocent. It just makes you more mature.

Piggy: Can someone be mature and innocent at the same time? My auntie said that maturity comes with a loss of innocence.

Jack: Who cares what your auntie says, Fatty?

Ralph: But he's got a good point. We've too many questions for them this time!

Simon: Then why don't some of us just ask two questions?

Roger: That's too much time and effort for them to pour into us. They don't care about us that much, do they?

Piggy: (sarcastic) Why not make that your question, Roger?

Roger: Make that _your _question, Fatty!

Ralph: NEXT QUESTION.

Piggy: This transcript is getting long as it is. Come on, let's hurry.

Eric: How long are the transcripts usually?

Piggy: Usually 'bout a thousand words. Thousand and a half? I dunno. But with all their arguing, we might double that today.

Sam: I don't think they'd mind.

Eric: You've got two extra people; it makes sense to be longer.

Piggy: But not _too _much longer.

Simon: We wouldn't want to inconvenience them.

Piggy: So that's why we got to START REPLYING TO ANSWERS NOW.

Jack: Okay, okay. Looks like my question was next. I asked what was wrong with Simon.

Simon: They mostly think I was epileptic. Though that one guest said I might be anemic.

Ralph: So, what _is _wrong with you?

Simon: I'd...I'd rather not say.

Roger: Well, Scarlett said it was just people like me and Jack who give you a hard time.

Jack: I'll have _them _know that it isn't us who give Simon a hard time. Don't you think _we _have a hard time when he doesn't show up for practice or even a concert? They're batty, the whole lot of them!

Ralph: Stop that! Stop it now! If you're going to continue being rude, I'll have Piggy censor out your comments!

Jack: Fine. Fine, then. I'll just say enough so that the next line won't make any sense.

Ralph: Then we shall ignore you.

Piggy: I'm 'bout to ignore all of you if you don't start focusing.

Jack: Nala says Simon has mental problems. I'll say.

Sam: If anyone has mental problems, it's Roger for sure.

Roger: I don't have mental problems. I was born this way.

Ralph: Sure you were...

Jack: Well, on to Roger's question, about which of us was the richest. For any of you still wondering, it was me. And by the way, they did NOT buy me my spot at head of the choir. I'm head of the choir because I'm the best singer.

Ralph: I don't know about you being richer, though; my daddy made quite a bit of money...

Simon: And don't assume the choir members were more wealthy. It was run by the church and actually didn't cost a whole lot. I ended up having to pay for it twice, since Roger stole my fee...

Roger: I didn't have any money, okay? And your folks were rich enough to pay for it.

Simon: We don't have a whole lot of extra money either, you know. And I'm not going to tell you why until after Kate's request. She wanted to know about my past.

Roger: Then tell her. Tell all of them.

Simon: No; I want to see what they say.

Piggy: A lot of them think my parents are dead.

Simon: Are they?

Piggy: My dad is. My mum—

Jack: Shut up, Fatty. No one cares about your family.

Ralph: Though I think Nagini's suggestion is interesting. One died of an ass-mar attack, and that's why his auntie was so overprotective.

Roger: (snickers) I like Holly's. They burned and suffocated to death.

Sam: Ralph, I thought _you _were the pyromaniac.

Ralph: I would never consider something so awful as arson.

Eric: What's that?

Piggy: When you set something on fire. Like a building, s'long as it's someone's property.

Roger: Their car would be their property...

Ralph: ...Right. Anyway, on to the next question, about different websites.

Simon: A lot of them liked YouTube. Isn't that the video-sharing one?

Piggy: That's right. Lots of people upload videos there.

Jack: I saw a video parody of our movies there. It was pretty funny, but...

Ralph: But what?

Jack: In at least one of them, I had blond hair, like you! I don't want to be associated with you in any way!

Ralph: Well, they gave _me _brown hair in both! Am I supposed to complain about it? Simon didn't look at all the way he should have.

Piggy: (pointing) They like Tumblr, too. But like I said, we aren't getting one.

Sam: What's Wikipedia?

Piggy: Jus' a "free encyclopedia". Anyone can put whatever they want. I don't like it much.

Ralph: There's nothing wrong with Wikipedia, so long as you check other sources as well.

Simon: I'm not on the Internet, so I haven't any idea what you're talking about.

Ralph: Good. It's already been said, but the Internet is a place you go to lose your innocence. We've already lost ours, so...

Piggy: All right, are we good on the replies?

Everyone: Yep.

Piggy: Then let's get to the questions, 'cause this transcript is getting real long.

Jack: Don't I get to share my favorite website?

Piggy: I suppose...

Jack: 'Cause it's Reddit. Just wanted to say that.

Roger: I prefer 4chan.

Ralph: Of course, you do. Okay, let's look at the notes now. We got Kate's down, about Simon's past.

Jack: To Nagini—I've looked up Homestuck, but didn't actually take the time to go through it.

Ralph: We'll check it out later. And...

Roger: Nala says her "bffl" is writing something about my past. I wonder what she'll come up with; I actually do want to read it. By the way, what's a "bffl"?

Jack: I don't know, but there's an impostor on this site!

Simon: I'm sure they're just having fun.

Jack: But...they're pretending to be _me. _

Ralph: Come on, don't get so angry about it. A lot of people are impersonating us on this site.

Jack: Still...

Sam: Hey, at least they had a good point.

Eric: Yes, about Simon's hospital bills. N-no offense.

Simon: None taken.

Ralph: All right; question time. (to Samneric) You can ask the fandom anything you'd like. Just don't ask for personal information. Piggy'll write our questions down and submit them.

Samneric: Got it!

00000000000000000000000000000

_Le Questions:_

_Ralph: For Kate, what was Simon's family/past like?_

_Jack: Who was the island's biggest troll?_

_Piggy: Can someone be innocent and mature at the same time?_

_Simon: Why is Roger sadistic?_

_Roger: Think you can come up with a way to annoy Simon?_

_Samneric: What do we symbolize in the book?_

_Piggy's Note: Sorry about the long transcript...  
_


	9. Chapter 9

Sam: We're back!

Eric: But why were we gone?

Sam: Dunno.

Ralph: Piggy, haven't you prepared an excuse?

Piggy: Why's that my job?

Roger: Well, we could say that posting something sixty years in the future messed up the time.

Sam: Or that we've just been _ever so busy _in school...

Jack: We've been in school the whole time, you ninny! I'll just say it was like a test. To see if they really liked us. They ought to be excited to hear from us again, oughtn't they?

Ralph: I suppose so, but—

Simon: Shan't we tell them the truth?

Roger: What, the truth that we were just lazy? They wouldn't take too kindly to that.

Simon: They wouldn't take too kindly to being lied to, either!

Piggy: We should've got together sooner, though; we had a lot of questions last time.

Sam: I'll bet they won't even listen to us anymore.

Eric: Not after us abandoning them.

Jack: We didn't abandon them, not really. We just...took a break from them; that's all.

Roger: Well, it hardly matters—it wasn't your fault, anyway.

Ralph: Of-of course. You were locked away in a mental institution and Simon was at the hospital; Jack was on a trip to Germany and I was busy with my schoolwork. So were Samneric and Piggy.

Simon: Ralph, we can't lie to them. They may have thought we were dead!

Ralph: I'm not lying! I'm just—oh, never mind. It doesn't matter anyway. We aren't dead, and they can stop worrying or being angry...

Roger: You're delusional if you think they'll let us off the hook _that _easy. They'll want to know the truth.

Jack: (muttering) You're delusional anyway, Roger.

Roger: What?

Jack: Never mind. What have we to look at today?

Piggy: Just getting to that. Here's the tab.

Ralph: First question was mine! For Kate, it was. The one about Simon's past.

Roger: Thought we'd decided not to talk about people's pasts...

Sam: What's the big deal?

Eric: Did your mum and dad yell at you lots?

Simon: (to Samneric) It's Roger; I wouldn't press him further. (to everyone else) Well, what did they think 'bout me?

Ralph: Scarlett thinks you had a nice family, but that people like Jack 'ud bother you.

Piggy: I can't remember the nickname—catsbygatsby—said that you prolly had nice big brothers or sisters. Did you have siblings?

Simon: Lots. They didn't pay much attention to me, though, unless I was in the hospital or at a choir concert.

Ralph: I had a younger sister. Mum always made me watch out for her.

Jack: Wonder why your parents didn't stop having kids after _you. _

Sam: (to Simon) Well, Seer thinks your family was weird—

Eric: and Oceanfur thinks you stayed inside a lot. Didja?

Simon: No; I liked being outside where it was pretty and I could get away from all my brothers and sisters. Don't think my family was weird, though...Daddy was a pastor. I dunno.

Piggy: If your dad was a pastor, then I don't expect Sophie to be right, about the violence.

Simon: No. Well, my siblings would fight sometimes, but Mama and Daddy always told 'em off.

Jack: Humph. Eve didn't even answer my question. She just said I was ugly and jealous of Ralph. Jealous!

Roger: No one in their right mind 'ud be jealous of Ralph, not unless they'd prefer to be dead.

Jack: 'Sides, red hair isn't so bad. I'll just ask them all; they'll defend me. 'Cept the impostor. Funny how none of _you _are being impersonated.

Ralph: (sighs) I'm pretty sure you were the biggest troll, Jack Merridew. Piggy wasn't a troll 'cause he didn't _try _to be annoying. Roger is just...Roger. And all I wanted was to be rescued.

Piggy: I'd actually side with Oceanfur about the beast being a troll.

(pause)

Eric: Piggy's question was hard!

Sam: Why you gotta ask ones like that?

Piggy: 'Cause them questions are the ones that get people t' think, that's why. Mos' of 'em jus' wanna know what 'innocence' and 'maturity' mean, anyhow.

Jack: I'm mature, Ralph's not. Question answered. Now get on with it. I've got a question for them.

Piggy: Fine. Anyways, on to Simon's question. Lots of 'em think Roger was jus' born crazy.

Simon: I'm not so sure. I mean, near everyone became savages, but Roger just stood out.

Roger: And so did you.

Ralph: Well, we shan't discuss Roger's past, but I do agree with Jazz about abuse and such.

(silence)

Roger: Let's move on, shall we? I thought we had them devise ways to annoy Simon since he's _so _patient.

Piggy: I dunno 'bout you, but I wouldn't annoy Simon. He might snap.

Jack: What, and kill someone? Please. Even you could break his neck with almost no effort. Ass-mar and all.

Roger: Let's try it out.

Simon: Um...

Roger: Look there! I annoyed him. Mission accomplished.

Ralph: No, you frightened him. That's different from _annoying _someone.

Roger: Then what Lazy Bum said wouldn't be annoying.

Piggy: That's psychological torture. So no, not real annoying.

Ralph: I like what Holly said. That was the funniest: 'specially the waking up at 3 AM.

Jack: Scarlett said that leaving him with me long enough would make something happen.

Piggy: With you and Roger combined, nobody would live to see the next day.

Roger: Tell this to Midnight—I already did all the things she suggested.

Everyone: *poker face*

Ralph: All right, that's enough. Moving on.

Sam: Our question's next!

Eric: What's incest?

Sam: Oh, and Jamie said we should've died and not Simon and Piggy!

Ralph: Wonder why...

Simon: Well, I like what Nala said—that they're the weakness of people. Kind of similar to what Midnight and Oceanfur said.

Ralph: Okay, let's talk about their little notes to us.

Roger: All right. This is to Eve. I DO NOT KISS JACK'S BUTT.

Jack: And why do you call me "Bozo the Clown"? I'm not a clown. Ralph might be, though. I also want to say something to my impersonator: who are you? You obviously aren't me, and—

Roger: Catsbygatsby, why do you think I need to get a hobby? This way works fine for me. People don't do what you say unless you scare them.

Simon: (to Roger) Scarlett says we have a 'thing'. Does that mean we hate each other? 'Cause I don't hate you...I just think you should be nicer.

00000000000000000000000000

_Question time, finally..._

_Ralph: What kind of job do you think we'll have as grown-ups?_

_Roger: Do you think I'm power hungry?_

_Piggy: Was Simon killed with weapons?_

_Simon: Did you read the book or see the movie first?_

_Samneric: What would be our names if we were girls?_


End file.
